Mate/Date

God, you think human dating and relationships is messed up? I did some research on animals, and there are some crazy ass animals out there.

Here are some weird mating facts of animals:

• Honey Bee: the queen bee has sex with a male drone, during intercourse the male’s genitals explode and snap off inside of the queen creating a plug to prevent further mating… hmmm… so the man dies, but he knows his lady is gonna be faithful, I guess?
• Bonobo: Apparently this is some kind of monkey, like a chimpanzee, but their entire societal structure revolves around having sex… as a form of greeting, to solve disputes, to trade food… they masturbate together, make out, have oral sex… I wonder if they go on chat roulette?
• Flatworms: Okay, this is really weird… apparently they are hermaphrodites, and their penises are used for sex and to hunt (hmm cock as a weapon, anyone?). The Flatworms attempt to stab each other and the loser absorbs sperm through the stab wound.. woah..
• Red garter snakes: 1) the female is kinda a slut, she releases pheromones and causes hundreds of males to fight over her… 2) there are tranny garter snakes that release female horomones but disappoint the male snakes by actually being male also
• Giraffes: into watersports… the male drinks the females urine to see if she is good to mate with
• Clownfish: frequently undergo sex changes…
• Turtles: the male mounts the female… the process takes so long that females often get bored of the male and walk away and go about their daily lives (feeding, etc) with the male still mounted onto them. Just like a married couple.
• Macaque: another type of monkey… they pay (in fruit) to see females naked… monkey strippers? and pay even to watch celebrity monkeys in their tribe naked (Paris Hilton…)
• Sea hare: it’s a kind of slug that mates in an orgy… like actually, a bunch of them get in a line and have sex…
• Whiptail lizard: the entire species is female… (lesbians lizards, eh?) two females meet and one acts out the male and the other the female… they do a dance of sorts which stimulates egg production in the one playing the female role.. then the baby comes out as a clone? what?
• Anglerfish: the male is born without a digestive system and so literally becomes a part of the female fish and dissolves into her body!
• Argentine Lack Duck: the males penis is 17 inches long (which is longer than it’s body) which it uses to lasso females

Maybe animals aren’t so different than humans?

This bird moonwalks, not lying!

This bird does something REALLY odd at the end of this video to attract a mate… but at the beginning of the video, we see the male cleaning up his apartment so it’s clean for the lady… just like Roger in Almost, Again!

And just to be sweet, here are some animals that mate for life: Bald eagles, swans, turtle doves, wolves (whose packs are actually like a nuclear family!), albatross, gibbons (a kind of monkey) and vultures!